i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
