I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
