if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
