I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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