She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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