You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
