yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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