Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
