Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
