My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
