So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Drunk is a universal language darling
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