1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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