Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
