I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
