I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
