I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
