My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
