I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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