Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
