Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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