when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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