just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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