I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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