so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
