You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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