You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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