All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize