now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They have beer where we have blood.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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