i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
