come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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