if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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