Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
