if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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