I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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