My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize