I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize