As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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