Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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