My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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