The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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