I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
