im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
