she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't deserve a penis
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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