I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
