Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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