What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We had sex on a dog bed..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
