Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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