Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
