Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
