I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
