i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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