I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
