nut hugger
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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