she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
