im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
