onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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