why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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