Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
