I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
