I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
