Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
