Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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