I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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