I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
