You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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