dude i'm inner monologue high
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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