saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
